Saturday, December 15, 2018

in Love with Tragedy

I want to break and be broken. To love until I destroy.
Or maybe until I'm destroyed.

Take the weight of your abandonment, of your distaste, and place it gingerly on my chest.
I want you to break my ribs




Crush my lungs until they deflate. Suffocate me. Push me to the ground as I gasp for air. Give me a reason to feel empty and worthless, because I need something tangible to dwell on.

Tell me you love me. I'm begging you. Make me feel impossibly special, incandescently happy. Look at me with those eyes. Convince me that I'm the only one for you, that I'm the only person that matters.

And then, once I start floating, 
take it all away.

Shoot me down swiftly with a single catastrophic arrow.

And when I crash down with a violent thud, kick me

Beat me down with incessant reminders of what

Leave me in tears, on my knees. Shower me with the tragedy that I crave, that I deserve. Drown me in my own regrets. Make me wish I had never taken a chance on you. On us.


Wednesday, December 12, 2018

A Lil Tsundere Poem

If there is something to desire,
Then I haven't noticed yet.
No I have not thought about you
Every moment since we met.
I do not smile like an idiot
When you stop and look my way,
And never have I blushed
When your voice tries on my name.
Your touch does not distract me.
Nor does your dorky laugh.
And I never think about you
When I should be doing math.
No there's nothing to desire.
Not your kindness or your wit.
'Cause if there was, I like to think
I would have noticed it.


Saturday, December 8, 2018


There's this notion of forever that I can't seem to shake. Logically, I know that it's false. Infinity is entirely theoretical. This, like everything else, will end.

And yet...

A long gaze.
Soft and warm.

I know it's all just a feeling, and I know that feelings fade and that this will end. I need to convince myself of that. Because if the truth comes before I learn to accept it, it will hurt too much. And I'm not sure how I'll react.


Thursday, November 22, 2018

Faces Going Places

// 11 PM. A Toyota Prius. JONATHON is in the driver’s seat. ALICE is in the back seat.

JONATHON: You know, you’re one of the most silent people I’ve ever driven. And I’ve been driving for almost a year now.

ALICE: Oh, um… Sorry?

JONATHON: Nah, don’t be. I’m just making an observation is all.

ALICE: Right.

JONATHON: You look very pensive. What with your head resting on the window and all. Very dramatic.

ALICE: Laughs. I guess you’re right.

JONATHON: I can tell you’ve got a lot going on in your head. See, you and I must be very different. When I’ve got a lot going on in my head, I just let it all out. Even when there’s nothing in my head, I just talk and talk and talk. My friends can never get me to shut up!

ALICE: Laughs. Yeah, that’s the opposite of me.

Both are silent for a bit. JONATHON waits, hoping ALICE will continue.

ALICE: I guess for me, the thoughts kind of get stuck in my head.

JONATHON: Like you can’t find the words?

ALICE: Like I can’t find the right words.

JONATHON: Well why do you need the right words? Any words will do! Doesn’t it feel better to just get it all out there?

ALICE: Probably? I don’t know, it just doesn’t come naturally to me.

JONATHON: Let’s practice then! Come on! Tell me what’s on your mind.

ALICE shifts in her seat.

JONATHON: I mean, of course you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just figured I’d let you try. And I’m naturally pretty nosy. I just like knowing what’s going on with people is all.


ALICE: I think I’m in love with my girlfriend.

JONATHON: Hey, that’s great!

ALICE: But, uh, I think she has someone else in her heart.

JONATHON: Like, she’s cheating?

ALICE: No, no. She wouldn’t do that. I just… Sometimes it feels like… I don’t know, she doesn't think about me.


ALICE: Yeah. But she occupies my head constantly. I just feel like I’ll never get that space in her heart. And it just feels so unfair. Like, I’m always loving people more than they’ll love me.

JONATHON: Well… I admire that you have a lot of love to give.

ALICE: Don’t you think I’ll run out one day?

JONATHON: I should hope not. (beat) Okay, sorry to cut you off like this, but this is your building?

ALICE: Yup, this is me. Thanks.

ALICE starts climbing out of the car.

JONATHON: Cool. Good luck with everything.

ALICE: Thanks, you too. Have a good night.

ALICE starts closing the door, but pauses.

ALICE: You know, it’s a lot easier to talk to people when they’re not staring right at you.

JONATHON: Laughs. Yeah, I guess that’s true.

* * *
I had to write a little bit of dialogue for a class back in October, and I woke up this morning with a strong desire to post it here. It's so weird how posting things on the internet for no one to see has become very therapeutic for me.


Sunday, November 18, 2018

Carbon Dioxide

When we're together like this
I can only breathe in
Whatever you exhale.
And I know that it isn't enough,
That it isn't sustainable.
But I just can't get myself
To turn away.


Sunday, November 11, 2018

Kill the Sound

I fill my head with fantastic lies because I want to feel something.
But for every euphoric high, there is a crushing low.
Insatiable desire motivates an eternal chase.
I want to destroy and be destroyed.
High risk, high reward--
Am I willing?
I sedate myself.
For resistance is impossible.
Proximity is a gift I now understand
Because when my expectations shatter, so do I.
Suddenly, my world is nothing but a reverberating echo.
Reality isn't nearly as significant as what I can convince myself is true.
Just a mind dump in the form of nonsensical poetry.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

empty empty empty

For years, I've been avoiding a very significant portion of my reality, but recently, it seems like that reality has taken the initiative to run towards me. My evasion has proven fruitless. Surprise on my part would be kind of dumb, to be quite honest.

I wasn't feeling anything at all for awhile there. I kind of shut all of that off so I could focus on school, but now I've got some free time. Letting myself feel again has been up and down. It has to be better than nothing, though. Numbness seems unhealthy--maybe even a little cowardly.

My friend and I decided to head back early because we didn't want to get caught up in traffic. Neither of us were particularly keen on seeing fireworks anyway. You see colors in the sky once, you've seen it a million times. So I was walking back to my apartment at 8:45 PM alone when I started thinking about someone I know. I thought about how I hadn't seen her in a week. About how ever since the last time I saw her I've been thinking about her nonstop. And as I navigated the dark neighborhood, I let myself contrive a fictional version of my life where she rushes to my front door the minute she gets back into town.

I see her waiting for me and her face lights up when I finally arrive. She runs up to me, grabs my hand, and says "Come on!" as she starts running down the street. We dash across campus and up four flights of stairs until we're on the roof of the engineering building, looking over Los Angeles. Shoulder to shoulder, we watch ten simultaneous fireworks shows. She turns to me, places a hand on my cheek, and pulls my face closer to hers until our noses touch.

That would be worth experiencing a million times, I think.

Doesn't matter, though, because when I got to my front door no one was there. It feels like I'm always setting myself up for disappointment.

There has to be some sort of balance in the universe, so for every heart-racing high, there's a bone-crushing low. And I used to think that linear was more practical than sinusoidal. It probably is. But linear's kind of boring. Peaks come with troughs, but at least you get a peak. Who would voluntarily flatline?

Me, apparently. I'm kind of thinking that I want that to change, though. I don't know.