Friday, October 16, 2015

Pop and Tulle

t-shirt: original by me; skirt: eBay; shoes: Converse

What have we here? I finally worked up the courage to ask one of my suite mates to help me take photos. This is just the wall outside my front door, but the lighting is pretty dramatic! I'll eventually get around to shooting at some of the more picturesque locations on campus--promise!

I'll admit that I haven't been doing my best with outfits lately. It's just been so hot here, and with all the walking I do, I mainly dress to minimize sweating. But the weather has been slightly cooler these past two days--it even sprinkled for ten minutes this morning! *gasp*

My mint green tulle skirt always makes me feel a bit whimsical, so I played on that with my bright pink Converse. To ground the look, though, I employed the subtle yet sharp black accents from the sketch on my tee and the laces on my sneakers.

I've been experiencing social anxiety lately. Like everyone else, I've had it before, but luckily it only came in small increments. As of recent, all these small increments have been adding up and are starting to weigh me down. I'm the kind of person who tends to dwell on my awkward encounters--like for a very long time. In the fifth grade, I had invitations to give to seven of my friends for a little Christmas party I was hosting. One of them was absent, so I had one left over. My friend Brendan, who sat next to me in class, asked me what it was, and I told him it was an extra invitation. Then I randomly said "Do you want it?" (because I let all kinds of random crap flow out of my mouth), and right as he said "Yeah, sure!" I said "Just kidding." I felt so bad. I STILL DO. Brendan, I'm so sorry. According to Facebook, you seem to be doing pretty well, though. So that's good!

I digress. Point is, I don't really let things go.

Hence, every time I think I do something awkward, this pressure pushes down on my stomach. 

Waving at that guy I sat next to in lecture yesterday--oh.
Walking up to that girl I talked to outside of class--ouch.
Introducing myself to some guy I've made eye contact with a few times--ugh why.

I've been meeting a lot of people and kinda sorta trying to make friends. IT MAKES ME NERVOUS. It's one thing for me to be charming around new people. I can comfortably carry a conversation with people I just met. I can't however gauge how people feel about me. Does he want to be friends with me? Is she just talking to me because no one else is here? Am I annoying her? Honestly, I assume everyone hates me--just to be safe.

I speculate that the primary reason I struggle to make friends is because I'm afraid of making the effort. I'm nervous that people will find me pathetic because I'm trying to become their friend even though they think I'm annoying. Essentially, I fear a lack of mutual feelings.

This keeps me from making new friends and developing relationships with the friends I already have. I rely on other people to make the first move; reciprocating what's given to me is easy. The difficult part is taking the first step and putting in that effort. I know I can't live in fear, that I need to be more confident in myself blah blah blah. IT'S JUST SO STRESSFUL.

I really don't have anything profound or conclusive to say--apologies. I just needed to let this out. My blog has become more of a "what's on my mind" type of place whereas before my posts were planned and thoughtful, but I think that's okay. I say as long as it's genuine, it's a good blog.

Enjoy your weekend!


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