Follow

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Hyper-Aware

totally unrelated photo of my dog who I miss dearly
I've always been extremely aware of myself. I'd actually say my awareness verged on paranoia. Part of me wants to live loudly and proudly, sure, but another part of me really fears upsetting other people.

My parents are the kind of people who, when we're in public, never fail to pass judgement on people who are too loud, too weird, too... anything. And because I can be a bit of a people pleaser, I'm careful not to be "too anything". It's probably not the best way to live my life, but I try my best to avoid annoying people. The morality is a bit unclear because there's this slightly blurry balance between being afraid of other people's judgement and being considerate. Either way, I do it.

Living with a bunch of new people in the dorms has heightened my sense of awareness. There's a part of my brain that constantly wonders if I'm annoying my roommates with how loudly I type, my weird toothbrush gagging (I gag/choke a little when I brush my teeth. I don't really want to elaborate anymore...), my burping, my need to sneeze and blow my nose in the morning (endlessly), the way I constantly open and close drawers in the morning while I'm getting ready--stuff that I never thought about at home, but that makes me feel a little self-conscious now.

Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to escape these incessant thoughts while still being considerate of my roommates. I attempt to be as quiet as possible when people are sleeping, but at the same time, I try to distinguish when I'm being annoying and when I'm being paranoid. I'm sure it will get easier.

Just something that was on my mind! I'm probably going to be posting on Tuesdays and Fridays now instead of Mondays and Thursdays because it's works better with my class schedule. I doubt anyone cares, but I thought I'd say it anyway.

How are you doing? Got any plans for this week? I'm absolutely aching to know. Maybe not aching, but tell me anyway.

<3Kuo

1 comment:

  1. Hi Kuo. Your post was too relatable for me to not comment. You know, my goal for tomorrow and the rest of the week is to not be too conscious of myself and just chill.

    thatladym.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete