Thursday, October 1, 2015

"-est" Syndrome

dress: Aqua; bag: BCBGeneration; shoes: Topshop

I've always had this obsession with being the "---est:" smartest, prettiest, fastest, best. Even if I'm absolutely incapable in a certain department, I want to be the dumbest or the ugliest or the slowest. For some reason, I yearn for extremities. I am unable to accept merely existing in the middle. Something inside me desperately needs to be extraordinary--regardless of whether that's extraordinarily good or extraordinarily bad.

A considerably shallow self-analysis indicates that this stems (like many things) from my fear of conformity. Trends and the mainstream kind of freak me out because I'm afraid of individuals in society transforming into a single, homogeneous unit. All atoms of the same element. (Sorry, my chem homework is lingering in the back of my mind.) When everyone is the same, it's easier for the government to manipulate and exploit us until we're nothing but pawns in THE MAN'S game of chess. Yes, my fear is a little conspiracy theory, but it's legitimate. It actually originated from a lot of the dystopian novels I read in high school--especially The Handmaid's Tale, which is actually one of my favorite novels.
Long story short, I feel the need to stand out. When I shop, I consciously avoid a lot of trends (though, not all of them) because I don't want to look like every other girl my age. In class, my hand is constantly raised--as if I'm in the middle of the ocean, waving my hand in the air to grab the attention of some rescuer (I'm reading Homer's Odyssey right now as well).
Universities are giant places--larger than high schools by far. I already know it's going to be a major challenge to stand out here, and that really stresses me out. Part of me wants to teach myself to just be part of the crowd simply because it's the easier decision.

But let's be honest, easy is boring.

So here's to a challenge.


P.S. My shoes are this really pretty mint blue, not white. Sucks that the color didn't really come through in the photos.

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