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Monday, July 20, 2015

Permanence, Forgetting Things, and How I Manage to Fear Both


Let's address my fears individually, starting with the concept of permanence.

There are a considerable number of scenarios that make me anxious*, which include eating slightly too much or snacking unnecessarily, getting stains on my clothes, damaging new things, and wasting oil, electricity, or water.

Recently, I realized that all of these scenarios leave me uneasy for the same reason: I am afraid of leaving a negative lasting effect on... anything. I hate the idea of my mistakes being permanent, never to be erased.

That's why I feel incredibly guilty eating food--because something inside me is certain that the food will stick to my body in lumps of fat and never leave.

That's why I get so worked up when I stain my clothes or wrinkle the cover of a new book--because I can't stand the guilt of murdering an object's newness.

That's why I get anxious when I go on long car rides or hear water running out of the faucet--because I know that precious resources are being wasted and that I'm contributing to the deterioration of the planet.

I think it ties to my perfectionism (which I'm working on; as Ingrid Nilsen would say, I'm a recovering perfectionist) and my need to keep things clean, whole, and perfect. When I describe the fear this way, I suppose that makes my fear of forgetting things less of a contradiction.

Ever since I could write, I've kept a journal in some form or another. In my super early youth, I wrote in girly little notebooks that I bought at Target, simply creating a record of what happened in my day-to-day life. As I got a bit older (around late elementary school), I started writing entries in a password protected word document. I had two--I accidentally deleted the first one, and because it was password protected, it couldn't be recovered (I cried for several hours). The second one still exists and is maturely named my "Notes on Life." That one covers middle school through the first two years of high school. Around the beginning of high school, I began keeping notebooks where I kept random blurbs of emotion--mere depictions of my anger or sadness, rather than what caused them. I still maintain one for things I deem too personal for this blog where, you guessed it, I log all my other emotions. As for day-to-day stuff, I have gigabytes among gigabytes of photos on my computer and on a back up hard drive and on Dropbox. Sorry, I just realized how boring it must be for a stranger to read my history of journal keeping, but I'm leaving this in anyway because I'm trying to convey my point: I'm afraid of forgetting.

Why is an absolute mystery. I haven't a clue as to what my rationale is. Any insight?

Does anyone else have fears similar to these?

Just something I felt like writing about, hope it wasn't too dull!

<3Kuo

*Just to clarify, I don't have panic or anxiety attacks; when I mention becoming anxious, I'm talking about feeling frustrated, uneasy, or queasy in this way that kind of makes me want to twist into myself.

13 comments:

  1. I always kept a journal when I was younger, I kinda stopped though..

    http://dresses-and-travels.blogspot.co.uk/2014/09/london-edge-14-my-best-of-from-my.html

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  2. I just wanna start of real quick by saying (and I may be over thinking this but I'm really concerned with this) that I hope your guilt with eating food has not rendered anything too serious in your lifestyle, to put it, uh, politically correctly. Just. Yeah.

    Anyway, I completely understand these fears. While I don't fear any of these two greatly, the concept of both is enough to scare me a little. My biggest fear would be stagnance. Not moving in life. Being the same. Not advancing. Just being...the same. It scares me because I'm a creature who embraces growth and change, and if that doesn't happen to me, I just freak the hell out. I'm also afraid of emotions. I'm an emotional person, yes, but emotions have rendered me damn coward because they get in the way...of everything. I feel too much, and this scares me. It's become a sort of puppeteer, taking control of my life. Blegh.

    I think that it's wonderful that you keep journals and entries and photos and everything -- I do too, but not to the extent of yours. And don't worry, this wasn't dull at all!

    Also, I'm not sure why it took me so long to follow you (lol) but i have! Looking forward to reading more of your posts!

    May | THE MAYDEN

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    1. thank you for the follow! and yeah i know that my train of thought is kind of borderline eating disorder, but rest assured i'm fine(: i don't get that anxious feeling when i eat healthy things like salads or multi-grain crackers, so worst case scenario i just eat stuff like that all the time. but i'm very careful about it because i know it's a slippery slope. thank you for your concern(: it's so nice to know that people in this community care

      and i get your fear of stagnance. i don't necessarily fear it, but i find the idea of not improving or advancing in anyway really upsetting

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  3. I have this kind of scenario sometimes.
    I keep on recording things and saving on my external drive so I won't miss anything even my everyday selfies.
    I think it is overthinking, I guess since sometimes I think that I need to do something out of nothing.
    I'm over analyzing things and end up being frustrated if i didn't get a chance t fulfill it.
    For people like us, we need people we can talk to that can understand our situation.

    The Bandwagon Chic | Instagram | Bloglovin

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    1. yes! over this past year, i've found that talking to people is extremely helpful. and everyone in the world is like "duh, of course it is" but for me, it was the kind of cliche advice that i never really took seriously until i desperately needed options.

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  4. I can definitely relate to this ! I have kept not only journals, but also notes that dates all the way back in high school. And pictures, I can never throw away a picture, even if the person I'm with is someone who I had a bad relationship with, I can never seem to throw it away. For, I always think of it as a memory, bad or good, I want to always remember it ! Such a relatable post ! (:

    <3,
    rgmendoza.blogspot.com

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  5. So cool !
    Bisous from France, *-* Sand. *-*

    www.taimemode-fashionblog.com

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  6. I doesn't have fears like these, but I can imagine having!
    Great picture though!

    http://industrialbarbie.blogspot.com/

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  7. The fear of permanence and negativity remaining is terrifying. I say this as someone who has experienced mistakes getting in her permanent record. It's horrible when your mistakes follow you, and you almost regret it. Almost. It's difficult to explain, but the thing about permanence is that nothing is permanent. Life's funny that way. When we realize fears come from ourselves, than anything real.

    I keep a journal too. Journals, more like, where I catalog feelings and emotions that I can't comprehend. It's an easy way to look back and make sense of it now then, than well, then. Keep on writing, Kuo. And know that it's okay to be scared. Just know that you'll make it through <3

    xx Bash | Hey Bash | bloglovin'

    Moved to: http://www.heybash.com/

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    1. yeah, that makes sense. i guess as mortals nothing about us as individuals is truly permanent. i can only register that at surface-level now, but once i actually come to accept that as true, i think it will help me a lot. thank you(:

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  8. I can definitely share some of your feelings on permanence, but for me, one of my biggest fears is not doing something incredible with my life. Although slightly naive, I hope to not fade into obscurity, to contribute somehow to my field enough that I may not have to introduce myself when meeting others (wow ok I sound really stuck up here, but). Working some 9-5 office job I don't really enjoy would be the ultimate torture for me.

    On forgetting, I'm the same! I have this need to try and remember every detail of my day, what I saw, what people said. Writing in a journal releases a lot of tension for me too. Once I have it down on paper, I feel like I don't need to hold onto that emotion anymore, and I can move on with my life. Unfortunately, this has not worked incredibly well with certain guys haha!

    Angelina Is

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    1. idek if people can see when i reply to them, but what you said reminded me of this quote that i have on my quote wall (i call it a kuote wall) and i wanted to share

      "don't be afraid of death, be afraid of a life un-lived" from the movie Tuck Everlasting

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  9. this was beautifully written
    being afraid of forgetting is something i struggle with too, there's so many great memories and just everyday life that i want to remember

    have a great day
    xx
    http://anoddgirl.blogspot.com.au

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