Let's address my fears individually, starting with the concept of permanence.
There are a considerable number of scenarios that make me anxious*, which include eating slightly too much or snacking unnecessarily, getting stains on my clothes, damaging new things, and wasting oil, electricity, or water.
Recently, I realized that all of these scenarios leave me uneasy for the same reason: I am afraid of leaving a negative lasting effect on... anything. I hate the idea of my mistakes being permanent, never to be erased.
That's why I feel incredibly guilty eating food--because something inside me is certain that the food will stick to my body in lumps of fat and never leave.
That's why I get so worked up when I stain my clothes or wrinkle the cover of a new book--because I can't stand the guilt of murdering an object's newness.
That's why I get anxious when I go on long car rides or hear water running out of the faucet--because I know that precious resources are being wasted and that I'm contributing to the deterioration of the planet.
I think it ties to my perfectionism (which I'm working on; as Ingrid Nilsen would say, I'm a recovering perfectionist) and my need to keep things clean, whole, and perfect. When I describe the fear this way, I suppose that makes my fear of forgetting things less of a contradiction.
Ever since I could write, I've kept a journal in some form or another. In my super early youth, I wrote in girly little notebooks that I bought at Target, simply creating a record of what happened in my day-to-day life. As I got a bit older (around late elementary school), I started writing entries in a password protected word document. I had two--I accidentally deleted the first one, and because it was password protected, it couldn't be recovered (I cried for several hours). The second one still exists and is maturely named my "Notes on Life." That one covers middle school through the first two years of high school. Around the beginning of high school, I began keeping notebooks where I kept random blurbs of emotion--mere depictions of my anger or sadness, rather than what caused them. I still maintain one for things I deem too personal for this blog where, you guessed it, I log all my other emotions. As for day-to-day stuff, I have gigabytes among gigabytes of photos on my computer and on a back up hard drive and on Dropbox. Sorry, I just realized how boring it must be for a stranger to read my history of journal keeping, but I'm leaving this in anyway because I'm trying to convey my point: I'm afraid of forgetting.
Why is an absolute mystery. I haven't a clue as to what my rationale is. Any insight?
Does anyone else have fears similar to these?
Just something I felt like writing about, hope it wasn't too dull!
*Just to clarify, I don't have panic or anxiety attacks; when I mention becoming anxious, I'm talking about feeling frustrated, uneasy, or queasy in this way that kind of makes me want to twist into myself.