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Saturday, January 31, 2015

Existential Crisis

Oh you know, just another irrelevant picture.
Awhile ago, I watched a video posted by one of my favorite YouTubers, Dan Howell (a.k.a. danisnotonfire). Its title was "Existential Crisis." At the time, I honestly thought he was exaggerating when he described feeling completely lost in the universe-- without purpose, without motivation. Sure, I'd experienced a sense of worthlessness and subsequent guilt from moping around, but I couldn't imagine a malign influence with the power to question my existence. Until last month.

I recently endured my first existential crisis, and if I'm being honest, I'm still coping with the aftermath. This fire of doubt and fear was ignited by none other than my college applications-- specifically, the questions that asked me how I planned to use a degree to benefit society. Frankly, I had no idea. It drove me crazy. What's the point of going to college if I don't even know what I want to do with a degree? Up until then, I had never really questioned college. My parents drilled college into my brain; it became the only logical destination post high school. Even though I still consider college the next logical (and necessary) stage of my life, I'm not as confident in its "power" anymore (that is, its power to ensure my success and happiness in the future). My parents raised me to believe that so long as I attend a good university, my future would be rainbows and unicorns. Lately, I'm not so sure that's true. Even if college leads me straight to a secure career, it does not guarantee my happiness. That's the scary part. One of my greatest fears is being unhappy for an indeterminate period of time with no hope of improvement because I have to way to fix it. Happiness doesn't come to you-- you have to find it. And what's my plan for doing that? No idea.

As I am still undergoing this traumatic stage of life (I do hope this is only a stage, anyway), I have absolutely nothing insightful or helpful to say to people seeking useful advice. All I can offer you is my compassion.

Ha, just kidding. I have my own first world problems to handle. Best of luck to anyone who is currently on the same page as me.

<3Kuo

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