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Saturday, January 31, 2015

Existential Crisis

Oh you know, just another irrelevant picture.
Awhile ago, I watched a video posted by one of my favorite YouTubers, Dan Howell (a.k.a. danisnotonfire). Its title was "Existential Crisis." At the time, I honestly thought he was exaggerating when he described feeling completely lost in the universe-- without purpose, without motivation. Sure, I'd experienced a sense of worthlessness and subsequent guilt from moping around, but I couldn't imagine a malign influence with the power to question my existence. Until last month.

I recently endured my first existential crisis, and if I'm being honest, I'm still coping with the aftermath. This fire of doubt and fear was ignited by none other than my college applications-- specifically, the questions that asked me how I planned to use a degree to benefit society. Frankly, I had no idea. It drove me crazy. What's the point of going to college if I don't even know what I want to do with a degree? Up until then, I had never really questioned college. My parents drilled college into my brain; it became the only logical destination post high school. Even though I still consider college the next logical (and necessary) stage of my life, I'm not as confident in its "power" anymore (that is, its power to ensure my success and happiness in the future). My parents raised me to believe that so long as I attend a good university, my future would be rainbows and unicorns. Lately, I'm not so sure that's true. Even if college leads me straight to a secure career, it does not guarantee my happiness. That's the scary part. One of my greatest fears is being unhappy for an indeterminate period of time with no hope of improvement because I have to way to fix it. Happiness doesn't come to you-- you have to find it. And what's my plan for doing that? No idea.

As I am still undergoing this traumatic stage of life (I do hope this is only a stage, anyway), I have absolutely nothing insightful or helpful to say to people seeking useful advice. All I can offer you is my compassion.

Ha, just kidding. I have my own first world problems to handle. Best of luck to anyone who is currently on the same page as me.

<3Kuo

Friday, January 30, 2015

Shape and Size

scarf: H&M; shirt: thrifted; shorts: Tommy Girl; 
tights: Forever 21; knee socks: Kohl's; shoes: Coach





Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Dark and Muted

hat: Forever 21; top (actually a dress): Forever 21; 
skirt: Forever 21; tights: Kohl's; boots: Unisa

Thank you for taking photos Kayla! By the way, sorry if the pictures look really grainy. I had my camera on the wrong setting which resulted in a lot of noise.





Monday, January 26, 2015

Myself, especially


MYSELF, ESPECIALLY

Sometimes I feel as if I waste
Every moment that I am given
Is spent indulging in reckless pleasure
Rather than pursuing some noble cause
Rather than fulfilling some “potential”
I sit and whine
About my supposed struggle
And then I always seem to blame
Some undeserving victim
Which makes me feel
Guilty
Because I am annoying people
Because I am disappointing
Myself, especially
The one person I can never please
Because she’s
Never happy
With second place
With “A” minus
With “good job”
With anything
That is in my reach
Is not good enough for her
Standards are high
Impossibly so that one
Myself, especially
Can never achieve
The goals that she sets
Are meant to ensure that
I reach my “potential”
Meet and exceed my “potential”
But I can’t
And it frustrates me
That I can’t
And it angers me
That I can’t
Stick to the plan and
Do what I’m told
And be that perfect girl
Who pleases her parents
Who impresses her friends
Who satisfies the girl
Myself, especially
Who cannot be satisfied
With anything
She tries will fail
And leave her in tears
Apart her whole life
As she attempts to pursue some impossible
To live this way
With no sign of happiness
To lighten her day
After day she cries for help
Me please because I want to be free
Me from
Myself, especially.

<3Kuo
P.S. Yes, I included another irrelevant picture, but rose and poetry seemed like an appropriate mix. This is going to be a thing now, so let's all just get used to it.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Left Out


Back in elementary school, I was the kid who was always left out. My friends were great most of the time, but there was many a Monday where they would be laughing at inside jokes from the movies on Saturday or their latest sleepover. All I could do was sit there and smile like everything was okay. What I never understood was why. Back then I would constantly torture myself trying to comprehend why they didn't invite me to hang out on the weekends. Am I annoying? Do they think I'm lame? Actually, I think this is the root of the insecurities I have today. But you're not here to observe me while I work out my psychological issues. Let's get profound!

Even though experiencing this as a kid absolutely sucked, I like to believe it made me a stronger person. Over the years (because you know... MATURE), I've learned to not let the little things bother me. Now, when I'm not invited to get food or go shopping, I don't take it so personally. Sometimes my friends want to spend time with a specific group of people. Maybe it's to talk about a something I'm not interested in. Maybe it's because they want to talk about how much they despise me. Does it really matter? If it happens every once in a while, I don't let it bother me. However, if it happened frequently, I would reconsider a few things-- aspects of the friendship, if you will. 

Those friends that I mentioned at the beginning of this post are people I no longer speak to. Not because we had some dramatic falling out and declared eternal hatred, but because we ended up going in different directions with our lives (which, I know, sounds ridiculous coming from a teenager). The thing is, that those people weren't friends that I was meant to keep. Ergo, if you have friends that repeatedly exclude you, maybe you should reconsider your relationship with them. Your friends aren't necessarily bad people, they just might not be your perfect match. If you're feeling left out of the group of friends you're in, I suggest trying to meet new people who make you feel included, happy, good about yourself. Friends are supposed to be the people you discuss problems with, not have problems with.

<3Kuo (pronounced "quo" to anyone who was curious)

P.S. Is the picture relevant? Because I don't know. I just felt weird posting without any sort of picture.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

The Fab Life

hat: Vans; t-shirt: original by me; cardigan: Target; 
skirt: Topshop; socks: Kohl's; shoes: LoveD; bag: BCBGeneration

HELLO! Okay, so I haven't been on here in a while... And I have reasons! Er... excuses. But I'm going to call them reasons and share them anyway in a desperate attempt to defend myself. These past two months have kind of been crazy with school. At the beginning of December, I realized that I had some college applications due in January that I was yet to complete, so I decided to wait until I submitted those before posting again. Then came finals week, so I put this off one more week. BUT I'M BACK NOW, MY LOVELY NON-EXISTENT AUDIENCE. Mostly Miya and Kayla. Hi guys. Photo creds to Miya by the way. I usually don't do that, but this brings me to my next topic!

CHANGE. There is something I would like to admit: I feel like the writing on this blog has become (or, was becoming, back in November) rather dry. It's embarrassing to say this in a forum based on fashion, but I've lost interest in talking fashion. Don't get me wrong, I still adore dressing up to post and reading what other people have to say about their outfits, but I feel so tedious when I analyze my outfits. I strongly believe that my posts were full of valuable input at the beginning of this blog, but after awhile, I was just being repetitive and annoying. I'm not going to stop writing on here though (because writing was 30% of the reason I started this blog). Starting probably my next post, I intend to alternate between outfit posts (which will have little to no writing) and posts completely dedicated to me writing about whatever I feel like (this can include stuff that happened during my day, my opinion on... stuff, etc.).

WHY? The reason I want to start sharing more and expressing my opinions is that I don't really do that in real life. In my life, I have always found it better to keep my opinions to myself, and this led to me not really being open with people-- even on the little things that I should feel totally comfortable sharing. Through opening up on my blog, I hope to become a more expressive in my everyday life. I also think this is a good place to do this considering I have very few readers, so anything I say that is unintentionally offensive won't really affect society.

OKAY THAT'S ALL I HAVE. Bye!!

P.S. My title. Totally irrelevant to everything I wrote, but I just felt SO FAB wearing this outfit. I originally wrote "SO FAT" which is not the same thing. Okay, bye.